Preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage
Our
responsibility in marriage is to foster a more effective relationship between
each other. It is one thing to say "I love you," it is another to express this
love through our behaviour. Such behaviour will require constant vigilance to do
those things which will promote the well-being of our partner. When we turn away
from this responsibility, the relationship will tend to flounder or fall apart.
The promises made in the sacrament of matrimony will be fulfilled only to the
extent that each partner carries out his or her mutual responsibilities to
develop a better relationship.
The following
examples deal with various decisions made in a relationship. Decide which are
responsible or irresponsible.
1. A husband has been offered a promotion
which would require moving to another city. He is very close to his mother and
knows she doesn't want them to leave. He passes up the promotion.
2. A wife goes on a clothes-buying spree.
Usually she is quite frugal with their money, but because of this one splurge,
the husband decides to handle the money.
3. A couple is finding it difficult to manage
on the husband's earnings and have recently had serious financial difficulty.
The wife wants to work to clear up the debts, but the husband refuses because of
what his family might say.
4. A couple feels the need to be free of
their children once in a while. They discover a club with social activities that
both enjoy. They join.
5. A husband dislikes his work and comes home
frustrated, angry, and short-tempered. His family finds this condition
intolerable, but he refuses to seek work elsewhere.
6. A neighbour close by is very lonely. She
is shy and finds it difficult to reach out to others. A married couple tries to
draw her out by being kind arid doing things for her.
7. A wife would like to take some adult
education courses for personal enrichment. The husband thinks this is a waste of
time and money. He makes her feel guilty, so she decides not to take the
courses.
9. A husband and wife decide that their
friends are inclined to drink too much. Neither particularly cares for liquor,
so they seek out new friends.
10. Both husband and wife work outside the
home. Each feels that the household chores should be done without
measuring.
Permanency in
marriage requires that a couple constantly strive to facilitate their ability to
relate well to each other, to grow and develop. In part, this means that they
concentrate on the values we have discussed.
What is being
communicated?
Let's go over
the following illustrations and try to distinguish which ones reflect mutual
independence:
1. A husband insists that it is his right to
go bowling with the boys every Tuesday night because it has always been part of
his lifestyle, even before marriage.
2. A wife is an antique expert. Occasionally
this takes her out of the home, but the husband encourages her in this hobby
because it means so much to her.
3. A wife insists on working outside the
home. This makes her husband angry since they don't need the money.
4. A husband feels compelled to make weekly
visits to his mother who is in a nursing home. The wife recognizes his need and
encourages his expression of concern for his mother.
5. A wife feels a need to render services to
her church. She does so in spite of her husband's objections that her primary
responsibilities at home are not being taken care of.
6. A husband frequently enjoys having his
co-workers in for dinner. Even though it creates a great deal of extra work for
her, his wife encourages him to feel free to do so.
7. A husband finds great pleasure in telling
dirty jokes. He also knows that his wife feels uncomfortable when he tells them,
but he does so anyhow.
8. For his next vacation a husband would like
to visit some of his old school buddies. His wife has no particular desire to do
anything special, so she encourages him to plan the kind of vacation he would
like.
10. A wife feels compelled to get involved in
politics. Her husband is not politically inclined, but still encourages his wife
to fulfil her political commitments.
The
even-numbered examples reflect mutual independence. The odd-numbered ones
reflect a kind of isolated independence which ignores the binding force of the
relationship. Through awareness of each other's values and needs, the partners
allow each other to be themselves in activities which promote their feelings of
well-being. This doesn't mean that either has the right to do whatever he or she
pleases, but instead each makes an effort to be open to the uniqueness of the
other. Each allows the other the freedom to pursue certain interests. Neither
becomes threatened by such activity, but instead encourages the partner to feel
free to be herself or himself in the activity.
Responsibility
In part,
responsibility means the fulfillment of obligations in a relationship or
lifestyle. A noted psychologist once wrote that most negative feelings begin
when we shirk our responsibilities. When we evade our duty, it makes us feel
bad. We become angry with ourselves, try to blame others, or, in general, feel
anxious. It would seem as though we simply can't escape the ill effects of
irresponsibility.
1. What a great person you are!
2. I appreciate how loving you are.3. I can see how kindly you treat other people.
4. I like how you dress.
5. You're so thoughtful.
6. You're such an honest person.
7. You really work hard at everything.
8. You always try to do your best.
9. You always seem to know how to handle me.
10. So often you think of me before you think of yourself.
11. You never tear me down.
12. You always tell others what a great person you think I am.
13. You go out of your way for me.
14. You know how important my friends are to me.
15. You constantly remind me of your appreciation of my talents.
Kindness
As we have said,
kindness requires an action on our part for our partner's benefit. For example,
John may recognize Mary's wonderful qualities and praise her for her talents,
good looks, and her goodness. He becomes sensitively kind to her when he does
things for her. He knows that she loves roses, so he plants rose bushes for her.
He knows she loves classical music, and buys her an album. John highly values
doing things for Mary that he knows will please her.
Kindness
prevents partners from measuring each other's contribution to the relationship.
When partners are sensitively kind, they seldom "keep score" or make statements
like, "You are not doing your part," or, "You do so little for me." Instead,
kind spouses will say things like, "I appreciate your thoughtfulness," or, "You
are something special. You are so kind to me," or, "You are really sensitive to
my needs." Instead of measuring, kindness promotes positive action for each
other's satisfaction.
Yet not all
kindnesses are necessarily positive. Kindness can create problems in a marriage.
Kindness is possessive when an act is done to control a person. A husband might
buy a dream house miles away from everywhere so that his wife can't visit with
her friends. A wife might buy gifts for her husband so that he can't complain
about the money she spends on her wardrobe. Each does a "kind" act for the other
in order to control the other's behavior.
Motivation helps
us determine the direction of our kindness. If we are moved to help others for
their good, we are sensitively kind. If we are moved to control others, we are
possessively kind. Such "kindness" doesn't speak to the other person's needs or
values. It doesn't allow the other person to be himself or herself.
Some examples of
kindnesses are given below. Try to decide which ones are not
possessive.
1. A wife knows her husband is facing an
unusually difficult day at work. She decides to prepare his favourite meal, even
though it will require extra work.
2. A husband wants to attend a ball game next
week. This week he's going to bend over backwards to be kind to her in many
little ways.
3. A husband knows his wife would like to buy
a new dress for a special party, but that she won't spend the money unless he
encourages her. He points out how well she handles their money and that a new
dress will fit into their budget this month.
4. A husband wants to buy a new car, but his
wife wants to buy new furniture. He very kindly helps her refinish the old sofa
and chairs; later they buy a new car.
5. A daughter knows that her parents miss her
very much. She tries to include them as much as she can in her personal and
socfal life.
7. A wife notices that her husband is
depressed. She concentrates on doing those things which she knows will help him
work through his depression.
8. A husband becomes interested in a new hobby
which has no appeal for the wife. She plans many mutually enjoyable social
events which leave him little leisure time for his hobby.
9. A husband's work takes him away from home
on Monday through Friday. He appreciates that his wife is homebound during that
time. Although he would prefer staying home on weekends, he makes sure they have
social activities outside the home.
10. A wife enjoys attending concerts and plays.
The husband programs their social events on those nights when such cultural
performances are not offered.
As you have
probably guessed, the odd numbers are examples of sensitive kindness. The even
numbers are examples of possessive kindness. While kindness creates a better
relationship, possessive kindness prevents closeness and a good relationship.
Remember, recognition tells our partner something positive about his or her
behavior, while kindness requires some action on our part to nurture the
partner's values and needs.
