The Sacrament of
Matrimony
I. Introduction
This sacrament of matrimony is a celebration --
a celebration that expresses the realization that in marriage Christ touches the
very core of our lives. It is a fundamental way to journey with Christ to the
Father. But it is not just a sacrament at the time of the ceremony; it is a
sacrament all through our lives.
This is the reason that the vow "to be true to you in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in health and to love you and honour you all the days of my
life," is not as crazy as some today would have us believe. In a time when
more than a third of the couples who get married in the west will not stay
married, it is an achievable goal.
It is an achievable goal because a sacramental marriage is not based on any
notion of law. It is based on love. Christ did not emphasize lists of laws
to follow, rather he said to "love the Lord your God with all your strength . .
. and. . . to love your neighbour as yourself" (Mk 12: 30-31). Christ's life was
a message of love and his love for the couple entering marriage is a model for
their love of each other.
A
sacramental marriage, based on love, is not a contract between two people. It is
a covenant. A contract is a legal arrangement which
protects the rights of the individuals involved. It focuses on equity -- that
each partner get what he or she wants from the relationship, and that rights are
protected. The contract can end when one of the partners breaks one of its
conditions. In effect a contract is a hedge against failure.
A covenant speaks to the relationship between
God and his people. The church, through the Second Vatican Council, points out
that, "As God of old made himself present to his people through a covenant of
love and fidelity, so now our saviour . . . comes into the lives of married
Christians through the sacrament of matrimony."
When two people make their marriage vows, they
are promising, as God promised in the covenant with his people, that the
elements of love, forgiveness and faithfulness are always present. They are not
hedging on their love or their promises. Christ taught that the Father was
all-forgiving, merciful and that he would not abandon his people. So too in a
sacramental marriage, the commitment is unconditional and open-ended. Change or
the unforeseen does not end a covenant. The partners make their decisions based
on love -- they promise to give all freely and to expect nothing in
return.
The “I will” spoken on the wedding day is only
the beginning. Our behaviour in married life tells if we have taken the
commitment seriously. Our daily practice of love is what really matters, what
will help the married relationship grow strong enough to sustain the ideals of
the covenant, the ideals of the Christian sacramental marriage.
II. Christ’s Love
Talk about Christian marriage as a sign of
Christ's love can remain vague and abstract if we do not describe concretely the
meaning of Christ's love. What, after all, is love? Of the many characteristics
that could be mentioned, the following, culled from the gospel picture of Jesus,
serve a particularly important role in creating a happy marriage:
1)
Self-revelation. Jesus invites people into relationship by revealing himself to them.
He tells his disciples of his love and hopes for them. He discloses who God is
for him and shares with them the values important in his life: generosity,
forgiveness and prayer. He lets them know he disagrees with certain religious
attitudes and legal interpretations of the religious leaders. He expresses both
approval and disapproval of his disciples' behaviour.
Marriage, too, is built on
self-revelation-mutual self-revelation. The couple whose love is sacramental
freely discloses to each other what they believe in and what they stand for.
They open up to each other their fears and hopes, their dissatisfactions and
desires. They share something of the meaning that God and his Kingdom have for
them.
2)
Human warmth. Jesus expresses his love in a bodily way. He hugs children and is in
physical touch with women. Reaching out in body-to-body contact, he heals and
consoles. He manifests his feelings in an open way. He weeps over the death of a
loved one and is moved to compassion for the hungry and afflicted. He rejoices
with his friends and celebrates their love with food and drink.
Marital love is also enfleshed and human. Our
culture and our heritage, however, militate against freely speaking tender
emotions and showing physical affection. Men hesitate to cry. Married people
seem reluctant to sit close together in a car or to hold hands in
public.
Christian spouses must work to overcome these
cultural influences. A couple grows closer through healing touch and comforting
embrace. In sorrow and in joy, in distress and in tranquillity, they communicate
the power of personal presence through bodily expression and bodily closeness.
Such demonstrations do not happen automatically or by chance; they take
determination, time and energy.
3)
Availability and service. Jesus' purpose in life is to be for others: to serve, not to be
served. He washes feet and hosts a meal of bread and fish for a hungry
multitude. He changes his schedule to visit the sick and to teach the gathered
crowd. He spends long hours listening to others and being present to
them.
Service is also a key element of marital love.
A loving couple make themselves available to each other. They are willing to put
their calendar aside in response to the moment's need. Listening to the other
takes precedence over reading the paper. They do not feel obliged to divide
chores according to stereotyped roles, but with thoughtful consideration of the
pressures each feels.
4)
Fidelity. One
of the most basic and striking elements of the new covenant of Jesus' love for
his people is his fidelity. When his disciples are unfairly criticized, he
defends them. When they are in danger at the time of his arrest, he insists that
they be allowed to go free. When death becomes the clear consequence of his
preaching and healing, he embraces it in faithful dedication to God and
others.
The hallmark of sacramental marriage is
fidelity. In a world marked by disposable relationships and fair-weather
friends, one's spouse stands as the single, last bulwark upon which one can
rely. In sickness and sorrow, in joy and triumph, a faithful spouse is at one's
side as comfort and companion. In the midst of unfair criticism one's spouse is
one's defence. In the trials and struggles of daily living a faithful spouse
gives inspiration and hope.
5)
Forgiveness. Forgiveness does not pretend that wrongs have not taken place. It
does not sweep hurts under the rug. It makes no pretence that further conversion
and healing are not required. Such is the forgiveness of Jesus. He confronts the
Samaritan woman with her five marriages; Peter with his triple denial, the
soldier with the unwarranted slap dealt him. While he forgives all sinners with
understanding and compassion, he bids them go and sin no more.
Spouses need to confront each other with what
is wrong, hurtful and damaging in their relationship. They should do so not in a
spirit of hatred and vindictiveness, but with the hope and purpose of building a
better relationship. This requires forgiveness. It also demands honest
acknowledgment of guilt and a sincere desire to correct faults and to work
harder at becoming more lovable.
6)
Respect for freedom. Jesus' self-communication to others is never coercive. It always
respects the person's freedom to respond in whatever way he or she chooses.
Jesus leaves the rich young man free to go away and cling to his wealth. He
allows Mary to respond to him in a different way than Martha. He defends a
woman's right to anoint his feet with expensive perfume.
In marital love a couple freely gives and
receives each other as gratuitous gift. A loving couple is not manipulative or
domineering. They allow for spontaneous
response and creative reciprocation. They do not measure their marital
responsibility in terms of mere contractual rights and legalistic obligations.
The gift of marital love by one spouse calls forth the free acceptance and the
free giving in return of the uniqueness of the other's being.
7)
Acknowledgment of personal dignity and equality. One of the most remarkable aspects of
Jesus' love recorded in the Gospels is his ability to transcend the social
barriers of his society. He touches the leper, speaks to a Samaritan and eats
with sinners. He converses with women-even those whose reputations are soiled.
A couple whose love is authentic and mature
lack prejudice. They respect the dignity and equality of each other. They
acknowledge the worth and God-given rights rooted in one another's personhood,
irrespective of any other differences. They know but one Standard that applies
equally to each of them.
III. Human Partnership
Each partner had prearranged specific
responsibilities. When one or the other could not deal with the
responsibilities, the relationship deteriorated. They were living by law rather
than by love. They ignored feelings; they didn't listen to one another. Marriage
breaks down for several basic reasons. These include:
- Lack of self-understanding. Oftentimes, a person reflects little self-understanding of the behaviour that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.
- Lack of understanding of the spouse. At times, a person's own needs are so intense that an understanding of the spouse is seriously hampered.
- Inappropriate motivation for marriage. So
often a person entering marriage is motivated by reasons other than the
responsible goals achievable in marriage. Some motives which are
counterproductive include:
- marrying to escape an unsatisfactory home life,
- marrying because of social pressures,
- marrying to "reform" another person's behaviour,
- marrying on the rebound,
- marrying to please the parents,
- marrying to spite the parents,
- marrying because of pregnancy,
- marrying with little knowledge of human sexuality,
- marrying in spite of obvious interpersonal difficulties during the dating period.
- Poor models of marriage. Some people get married with a negative attitude or impression of marriage. Perhaps their parents did not have a good marriage, or they have been exposed to the unhappy experiences of other couples. Usually they will have little insight into the tremendous potential for fulfilment and happiness in marriage.
- Poor communication techniques. Some people get married without understanding how to communicate, how to relate to each other effectively. Because of a lack of understanding of self or of the spouse, and a lack of motivation, fear and anxiety develop in the relationship.
A caring or loving relationship is based on the
awareness of needs. Each
partner in a relationship must listen to the other and try to understand what
the other is experiencing. Critical to this awareness is a commitment to the
relationship. Only with commitment can the partners be real and open so that
mistakes or problems do not lead to disaster.
Commitment alone, however, without awareness,
is prone to failure. It becomes a hollow promise when one person in the
relationship does not learn how to live lovingly for the partner. This kind of
loving takes self-knowledge and
knowledge of the partner -- knowledge that develops in an open,
accepting atmosphere.
IV. Spirituality
Spirituality is a set of beliefs, values
(and so needs) and attitudes about God, the other (world) and us through which
we perceive reality, make sense and respond (or react).
A) Values
One of the best ways to understand our
behaviour is to come to know our values and needs.
First let's take a look at
values:
A value is a principle, standard, or quality considered worthwhile or
desirable. The minute
we use the word "considered," we are saying that a value rests in that part of
our personality which we have called reason. Therefore, our values come about
through some sort of reasoning process. We begin to say to ourselves, "I think
that this principle or this quality or this person has a positive value for me."
So at the present time much of our conscious behaviour comes from the values we
have developed over our lifetime. They
direct our behaviour to a large extent.
For example, if I am an actress and I
value recognition, I might do some things which are illegal or immoral to gain
recognition. I remember reading in the newspaper a while back about Arthur
Bremer, the young man who allegedly shot George Wallace. Upon being apprehended,
Arthur reportedly made the comment, "I will now go down in history for what I
just did; I am no longer a nobody." He valued recognition to the point of
breaking the law. Think of other areas like money, cleanliness, enjoyment,
punctuality, etc..
Reflect on the following significant
values for a successful married life: a) recognition, b) kindness, c)
independence and d) responsibility.
b) Needs
Values are reflected in the judgments
we make, and thus are associated with the reasoning area of our personality.
From the standpoint of reason, then, values give direction to our behaviour.
Another part of our personality deals with what we call
needs:
Hunger is a need. When I am hungry, I
feel the physical pangs which tell or "drive" me to eat. So in technical terms
we can say that needs produce drives
that are associated with our physical or emotional being. Emotionally I
might feel the need for affection. This need creates a drive which seeks
satisfaction by obtaining affection from another person. Actually this emotional
drive can be as strong as a physical drive, such as the one for food, and can
sometimes even create what feels like a physical drive.
Overeating is an example. It is usually
considered to be more of an emotional than a physical problem. Yet people who
overeat say they feel hungry even though they know they have consumed enough
food to meet their physical needs.
There are some interesting aspects
about needs. We can feel a need even though we can't give a good reason for its
existence. I remember a man once saying that there were times when he
experienced the need to get drunk. When asked why and how the conditions existed
he couldn't give a reason. Another interesting aspect about needs is that we
become frustrated if we experience a need and don’t satisfy it. Our frustration
keeps building as the need remains unsatisfied until finally we lash out at some
person or thing.
Another way to learn about needs is to
come to recognize them in ourselves and in others. We can do so by learning what
is meant by positive and negative needs. Second, we can look for behaviour that
helps us to identify needs. Below is a list of positive and negative needs as
they function in our relations with others.
I.
POSITIVE
NEEDS
A.
WARM NEEDS: (warm needs bring people together
through positive feelings).
1. The need to GIVE
affection
2. The need to RECEIVE affection
3. The need for
COMPANIONSHIP
4. The need to SHARE warmth through
sexual activity
B.
NEEDS FOR EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION:
(these needs bring people together through understanding).
5. The need to be OPEN to messages from
others
6. The need to UNDERSTAND the
messages.
II. NEGATIVE NEEDS: (these
needs disrupt our relations with others because they tend to keep people
apart).
1. The need to be
AGGRESSIVE
2. The need for one person to DOMINATE
another
3. The need to TEAR oneself
down
c) Being Real
In general older personality theories
emphasized pessimistic factors and negative goals. In contrast, modern theorists
stress optimistic factors and positive goals. They state that if the right
conditions exist between two people, they can be of great help to one another.
These "right" conditions are fairly simple and can be learned by almost any two
people willing to make the effort. Three of these conditions
are:
1.
The two
people must be real to each other.
2.
They must
try to understand what it is like to be the other person.
3.
They must
care for each other in such a way that neither one feels trapped by this
caring.
In technical terms we call these three
conditions being genuine, being accurately empathetic, and being non-possessively
warm.
If one of the
conditions is missing, the growth of the relationship will be
affected.
It's easier to talk about genuineness
than it is to practice it in our daily lives, because sometimes people make it
hard for us to be genuine. It's as though they erect barriers which keep us from
being our true selves when we do really want to be. That's why it can be very
helpful to recognize that there seem to be some common barriers between men and
women which prevent each other from being real.
When we discuss being real, the couples
brainstorm about sex differences which seem to create barriers to genuineness.
In other words, the women discuss what there is about men that makes it
difficult for women to be genuine, and the men go through the same process. The
results of these brainstorming exercises are remarkable in their consistency.
Disregarding age or geographic location, almost all groups say the same thing.
Specifically, women cite the following
attributes about men that make it difficult for women to be
real:
1.
Men get
angry too quickly.
2.
Men's egos
are so fragile.
3.
Men hide
their emotions.
4.
Men try to
be too logical.
5.
Men confuse
affection with sex.
6.
Men want to
dominate.
7.
Men give
women little credit for having any brains.
8.
Men won't
allow women the free expression of feelings.
9.
Men won't
communicate; they pout.
10.
Men are
jealous of the friendships that women have.
Now many other traits are brought up as
well, but these ten seem to be the most frequently voiced. Since they surface
almost every time in every workshop, it would seem safe to say that men must
keep these ten characteristics in mind and be aware of any effect these
masculine characteristics might have on their wives.
Men bring up the following ten barriers that women
create that keep the
men from being real:
1.
Women talk
too much.
2.
Women can't
make decisions very easily.
3.
Women use
tears to control men.
4.
Women use
sex as a weapon.
5.
Women want
independence, but when they get into trouble, they want the men to rescue
them.
6.
Women want
to keep up with the Joneses.
7.
Women are
inconsistent; they say one thing but mean another.
8.
Women's
feelings are too easily hurt.
9.
Women are
too sensitive and emotional.
10.
Women are
jealous of male activities, such as hunting, fishing, and
sports.
Particularly in the marriage
relationship both men and women must be aware of the behaviours which make it
difficult for the partner to be real. These lists are in no way indicative of
how all men or how all women behave, but it is useful to know that many couples
have cited these traits as creating problems.
When we cannot be genuine in a
relationship, it is usually because we feel threatened. A threat makes us
defensive or frightened and it is difficult to be real. One way to protect
ourselves is to create a barrier between us and the threat. We call this barrier
a defence mechanism. Let us consider five of them and if possible
give some examples from your life:
1. Emotional
Insulation:
Reducing emotional contact with a person because
previous experience has caused embarrassment, frustration, or pain. The
individual withdraws in order to avoid further hurt or harm. Please give three
examples of events that you have either experienced, or seen others experience,
that caused emotional insulation:
2.Rationalization: When a person experiences a failure, s/he attempts to prove that
her/his behaviour is "rational" and justifiable, thus worthy of social and
self-approval. It is a way in which the ego protects itself by giving an excuse
for a failure. This excuse is an attempt to be reasonable. Give three examples
in which you have experienced, or witnessed others experience, the need to use
rationalization when they had failed and had to give "reasons" for
failure:
3.Projection:
Projection carries rationalization one step further. It is used when one
experiences a failure but then attempts to blame it on another, or when we
accuse others of having faults which we ourselves possess but won't admit to.
Give three examples of situations in which you or someone else needed to project
away a failure:
4.Displacement: Displacement occurs when we cannot release pent-up anger with
someone, and instead lash out at an innocent party. Usually the lashing-out is
directed toward people, animals or objects that are unable to defend themselves.
Think of three examples of displacement that you have observed happening to you
or to others:
5.Denial of Reality: Denial of reality occurs when we protect ourselves from something
unpleasant by refusing to recognize it or face it for what it is. Another way to
deny reality is to show concern for insignificant things, or things unrelated to
the real problem. Give three instances in which you or someone lese has refused
or could not face up to a real trauma or difficulty.
V. Becoming One Body
A vast variety of relationships constitutes the
fabric of human life: parents and children, close friends and casual
acquaintances, professional colleagues and business associates, jogging partners
and fellow weight-watchers. Diverse as these relationships are in terms of
intimacy, none claim the kind of oneness that ought to exist between wife and
husband. Only marriage is designed to constitute two people as truly
one.
This oneness is not achieved automatically or
overnight. It is a lifelong process in which two persons gradually live out
their commitment to become one body. This concept of becoming one flesh is
unique and fundamental to marriage.
An entirely different picture emerges when we
enter marriage as an adventure. An adventure is open-ended. The Success of this
adventure depends on a firm commitment to grow in support, trust and love
of each other. We create our path and discover our way as we go. Though there
are risks, we are moved by a sense of excitement and expectation. While there
might be unforeseen pitfalls and obstacles, we have the power to create new
discoveries and surprises, new levels of joy and satisfaction. The adventure is
never over until death causes physical separation.
Finally, we must understand the meaning of the
word one in our perception of marriage as "becoming one body." The unity
spoken of here is not a merging of two personalities into one. The sacrifice of
precious individuality does not make a loving union. Nor does this union result
from the domination of one person by another. A relationship in which the
opinions, decisions and desires of one person are controlled by the other is
less than life-sustaining. Authentic marital union demands that neither person's
freedom be impaired by the other. The response to the will of another that
promotes genuine oneness in marriage must be made with free, self-determined
love, and not because of fear of one's spouse or fear of one's inner
self.
Equality does not mean sameness. Equality in no
way obscures the obvious sexual differences between female and male. Nor does it
cloud over the real diversities that exist between any wife and husband in the
area of gifts, capabilities and responsibilities. These diversities, however,
cannot be stereotyped according to sex.
What constitutes the basic equality of persons
is the radical human potential for intelligence, love and free
self-determination-precisely what differentiates humans from all other
creatures. In marriage two persons share that which makes them equal as humans:
their minds, their hearts, their free choice to become one with each
other.
Two people achieve real oneness in marriage
when they become increasingly present to each other as gift in love. In this way
they enter into one another. They dwell in each other. They become a part of one
another. They think and care about each other more and more. Their lives, hopes
and destinies become increasingly intertwined. Deep empathy develops between
them. At the same time, this belonging to each other must leave both of them
other. Each must remain beyond the total comprehension, possession and grasp of
the other. They must ever be two un-repeatably unique individuals, each of whom
grows in her or his uniqueness and independent self-esteem, in the Context of a
deepening relationship.
Marriage as a sacrament of Christ's love is
most clearly illustrated in the life of a couple who love each other and who
find personal significance in Jesus Christ. Christ is not a distant figure far
removed from their daily lives. In faith they experience his guiding presence,
his compassionate understanding, his comforting love. Their relationship with
Christ challenges them to express their love for each other in a Christ like
manner. Their prayerful awareness of Christ's presence enables them to feel his
warmth in their own love for one another.
Like all married people this ideal couple have
faults and sometimes experience hurts and misunderstandings in their marital
relationship. Their belief in Christ's boundless mercy leads them to work
through difficult moments toward greater acceptance and forgiveness of each
other. Like most persons, this couple must struggle economically, unsure of what
the future holds. Neither do they escape the trials and suffering that are an
integral part of family life. But through it all they find a certain peace and
joy rooted in their trust in Christ's abiding presence and in their hope that in
Christ all life has ultimate meaning.
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